May was a rough month for me. The oldest one in the wreck, the end of the school year for everyone, lots of awards ceremonies/programs to attend, the birthday of the oldest one, work picked up, lots of rain, etc. etc. In retrospect, I think my overall mental outlook was less than positive.
I didn’t realize how far the affects of this reach until this past Sunday when I rode with Rob on one of his “recovery” days. He did an 80+ miler on Saturday so decided to grace me with his presence for an easy ride on Sunday. This kids were rowdy that morning, okay, they were down right rotten. We got on our bikes, not as much out of wanting to ride, but more of NOT wanting to be at the house.
I thought my mood would improve as I pedaled. It didn’t. I realized as I rode that negativity is a powerful tool. When you are wanting to be negative there is truly no end to how negative you can be. I found hatred in EVERYTHING that day. In fact, so much that I even thought about my “hatred post” as I rode…of all I needed to blog about.
My thoughts, unbeknownst to him went something like this…I didn’t like the route “he” chose. I didn’t want to do the stupid rolling route he does on Thursday nights with the Sunshine boys…I had to do it last week with him and I hated it and didn’t want to do it again… I stated this about half way through it which prompted him to turn around in the middle of the road and truly give me a route to whine about. It’s funny how as soon as I realized he was doing that route again I suddenly hated the world. Something in me flipped. I hated the jersey I was wearing, I suddenly hated Motor Tabs and thought they made me sick to my stomach. I hated rolling routes, I hated Travelers Rest. I wondered what was actually fun about riding only on hills all the time in SC anyway. I hated that he was pandering to me by taking a “recovery day” to ride with me. I was a mess and my brain was very definitely my worst enemy. I MAY have actually even thought that I didn’t like HIM very much right then except that his cute little tushy was in front of me charting the course.
I even actually thought as we reached Paris Mtn. that I was going to PURPOSELY see how slow I could go up it. I was going to see how slow someone that didn’t try at ALL would take to get up it and he would have to wait on me as the minutes ticked by. The mere thought of that to me, was delicious. I was being horrifically obstinate and naughty. (This is a recurring theme) When I reached him at the top, my time, I kid you not, was really not much different than the time before when I was happy and a good girl. WHAT THE HECK?
I later confessed this to him and told him that either
a. I suck all the time…no matter what or
b. My legs did what they should be doing even though my head was rebelling…weird, huh.
What I DID notice as different though was that at the end of this ride... I FELT much worse... I managed to drain myself mentally, which in turn, made me feel like I hadn't ridden in weeks. Strange/weird and a lesson to be learned. Glad to put May behind me.